Backin’ up.
31 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in And then I found 5 bucks, Ficrific, I am a nutjob, Like a cat Tags: cuss words
I sure hope this works right…
There! Have you guys seen that? It’s had me giggling since I first saw it yesterday. Too funny.
Ohhhhhh, so it’s been one of those mornings. First I slept in. I wake up, stretch and roll over to look at the alarm clock. 6:50?! I usually get up at 5:30! So I jumped up, grabbed my phone and glasses, and tried to run downstairs to start the coffee brewing. I say try, because I got all of two feet away from my bed before I tripped over my cat. Grrr! After I impatiently followed my cat slowly down the stairs (making faces I wish she could understand the entire way), I started the coffee brewing and then checked my phone to see if anybody said anything nice to me over the night. I was greeted with this!
My friend wubs me.
I’d fallen asleep while texting Jam last night, and he’d sent me this. I’m actually kind of glad that I didn’t see it last night. Finding that on my phone this morning put me in a super fantastic mood. Now smiling, I set my phone down and continued about my morningly business. Suddenly, “BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!” The ‘last call for waking up’ alarm was going off on my phone! I made a mad dash for it before it woke the baby up and BAM! My poor depth perception and I misjudged where I was in relation to the doorway, and I slammed my hip into it. I may or may not have shouted some cuss words. It hurt! I limped the rest of the way to my phone and turned it off, grumbling.
My coffee was finally done, so I poured myself a cup in my travel mug and ushered my step son out the door so I could take him to school. As I was walking, I went to take a sip of my coffee and missed my mouth, spilling coffee all down my front. Oh my gosh. I was so irritated. I mean, I know that no day of mine is complete without spilling my coffee, but still! So I got into the van to drive all maniacally like, but then I looked at the sky. You know how in movies and such they’ll fast forward the time, and they’ll show the sky and the clouds will all be zooming by? It was like that. Very heavy cloud cover moving very fast. Very neat. Very very very. So that made me feel better. (Very.)
I got to school and back without incident, and then it was time to do my workout. If I’m going to be gaining all this weight, I need to make sure it goes where I want it to. I’m already a little unhappy about the way I look. So I’m working out, working out and then OH MY GOD THERE IS A HORRIBLE CRAMP IN THE BACK OF MY LEFT THIGH and you guys? I hate being touched, but I am getting kinda desperate for a massage here. Blah. I rubbed the cramp out and finished up my workout, then hopped in the shower. Now, you wouldn’t think that much could happen in the shower, but surprise! First, I got my shower poof snagged on my belly button ring. (It’s a butterfly.) While struggling with that, I knocked my comb off of the ledge and into the tub. Finally I got my shower poof and belly ring to disengage each other, and I bent over to pick my comb up. I must have grabbed it in just the wrong way, because i cut myself! On the teeth of my comb! I cut my stupid finger on the stupid teeth of my stupid comb and it was exactly like a stupid paper cut! Gee whiz.
And that’s been my morning! So far nothing else untoward has happened to me, for which I am so thankful. Amazingly, I am still in a good mood, thanks to a certain smiley face, although at this point, I’m kinda just hoping I make it through today alive. Wish me luck!
How has your day been so far?
Grr @ my dog!
30 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Animals, Word Vomit Tags: dog, Dogs, huskies, Husky
Oh my gosh you guys! I almost lost my dog just now.
I was in the kitchen cooking when suddenly I heard shouting coming from the living room. I went to see what was going on, then my husband yelled.
“CHELLE! NAVI!” There was the front door, wide open, but where was the dog? It took me a split second to figure it out.
I bolted out through the door in my socks and glanced quickly around. There she was, charging at full speed in the one direction I did not want her to go – towards a very busy street. “Navi!” I shouted. But she ignored me, and she was getting closer and closer to the road that would spell her horrible doom.
I took off running as fast as I could (Not an inconsiderable speed. Have you seen how long my legs are?) and chased after her. Dogs are built for speed though and huskies especially so, and even at only 7 months old, Navi can outpace me easily and quickly – and she most definitely was. “Navi!” I hollered again. Nothing.
My lungs hurt. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Navi was feet away from the street but yards away from me, and many, many cars were zipping by at 40 miles per hour. I was about to watch my beautiful dog get smashed by a car. I just knew it.
One prayer. “Please don’t let my dog get hit! Please oh please ohpleaseohpleaseohPLEASE!”
One last push of speed, asking as much of my body as I ever have before.
One last, desperate shout, leaning heavily on training sessions Navi and I had spent hours on together. Training I had only just remembered. Training I was sure wouldn’t work.
“COME!” With every ounce of breath I could spare, every last little bit of energy I could put into it, I commanded my dog.
Time slowed down. I almost closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see this. I couldn’t watch this. Oh Gods…
Lo and behold, as soon as the word left my mouth, Navi backpeddled, turned and came running back to me just as fast as she’d been running away from me moments ago.
“NAVI!” I screamed with relief and joy, and I tackled my dog as she came barreling into my arms, doing her best to knock me over. I praised her and praised her and praised her. I told her what a good girl she was for coming, and as I carried my big puppy home I shook tears from my eyes that I hadn’t noticed before then.
I almost lost my dog today y’all. You have no idea how happy I am to be able to put that “almost” there.
Like this:
Insert Witty Title Here.
28 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in And then I found 5 bucks, Health, I am a nutjob Tags: insurance, Migraines
I am an awesome artist.
Okay. I think when I post pictures from my phone, they show up at the top of my post. If it isn’t at the top, it’s at the bottom. And if it isn’t in either of those places, I may throw a temper tantrum and I don’t hate not having home internet AT ALL.
Anyway, the picture that is SOMEWHERE on this blog post is a headache scale that I drew a long time ago to give people a way to relate to my pain. I’d give it to my doctor, if I had one, but I am UNINSURED so I don’t and that isn’t irritating at all either. Not that taking it to a doctor would do me any good, since the last doctor I had (years ago), while more than happy to give me a diagnosis of migraines, refused to give me anything to control them as long as I “have a womb.” Because all sane women go out and get major surgery solely to get medication for something completely unrelated to said surgery. Jeez.
On the other hand, that does assume that by not doing that I actually am sane, which is kind of QUESTIONABLE. (Didja see what I did there? Didja?)
DESPITE seeming to be very grumpy today, I really am not. I am just in a lot of pain, which brings me back to the whole point of this!
I didn’t post Thursday because I woke up at 3 that morning with a migraine. I didn’t post Friday because of the same STUPID MIGRAINE. And I am posting today because I feel guilty about not posting Thursday and Friday, even though I don’t normally post on the weekends and still have said migraine, which, if you will refer to the aforementioned pain scale, is at an 8 today.
My headaches. I used to keep track of them. Around 5 days a week, I have a headache that ranges between 4 and 7 on that scale. Once a week or so, I hit an 8 or higher, and once a month I get owned by a 10. The rest of the time, which is something like THREE WHOLE DAYS out of every month, I am pain free.
Generally speaking, they’re all separate headaches, not one that lasts days on end. Those are fairly rare, thank the Gods, because they KILL ME! Or make me want to kill myself, anyway (mostly figuratively speaking), and damnit, when I kill myself I want it to be out of misery, not because I have tried to decapitate myself in a desperate bid to end the pain that is turning my head inside out!
So yeah. The reason I haven’t been posting is because I am too busy wishing I didn’t have a head, which is something that probably could have been summed up with far fewer words, but oh well. You guys like reading my babble anyway, right? RIGHT?!
Okay, I’m done. Bye!
I wish heads were disposable.
26 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
You know what would suck? Being only a head, like in Futurama, especially on days that you’ve decided to get owned by a migraine.
Have a great day y’all.
Bambi I am not.
25 Jan 2012 3 Comments
in And then I found 5 bucks, I am a stubborn asshole, This belongs in a "mommy blog"
You know what I don’t get about people that are anti-cussing? They’re still basically cussing, they’re just using different words to do it. And their argument about people that cuss not having imagination? Kind of moot. They ALL say “dang” or “darn”, “gosh” or “golly gee whiz”. Where is the imagination in that? Why don’t they say like… Flibbertygibbet? At the least, they could use ampersand or bleep. There are more inventive words out there, but there are words that are much more lame too.
When my step son was little, he would call me a dumb bitch. Now, I’m not denying that I am a dumb bitch, but no 3 year old child needs to say that, so my in laws decided to give him a replacement word before I murdered him in a terribly violent manner. Instead of letting him call me a dumb bitch, they encouraged him to call me Bambi. Bambi definitely sounds better in public, but I knew what he really meant, and I wasn’t any happier about it. He was still essentially saying something entirely inappropriate, and now I had two phrases to delete from his vocabulary, one of which was the title of a favorite movie of mine! Awesome.
It took many threats of doom and destruction, but I finally got my step son to stop calling me both Bambi AND dumb bitch, much to the dismay of my in laws, who seemed utterly unable to understand why I was protesting to his use of Bambi. As if it actually were something cute and innocent. Hmph. Bambi only sounded cleaner. In reality, it was paint over a stain, and a very thin coat of paint at that!
Anyway, I digress a little. My point here is, replacement words? Kinda stupid. And pointless. They really aren’t any less offensive if you think about it. I dunno. Maybe that’s just me.
What do you guys think? Replacement words: useful tools, or a ridiculous waste of breath?
