I was the turkey alllllll along!

30 May 2010 1 Comment

by Chelle in I am a nutjob, Like a cat

So one of my friends recently introduced me to Invader Zim. He quoted some crazy ass thing to me and I was all “Uh, what the fuck, yo?” And he was like “Invader Zim ohmygod blargldey bloogle bleh.” And then he made me watch it.

And it’s funny! Not like, Funniest Home Videos funny, but Ren and Stimpy funny. And the best part of the whole series isn’t the main guy, Zim, but his robot Gir.

Gir does things like sit in a rotting turkey carcass in the background before randomly jumping out and yelling “I was the turkey all along!” while flies and pieces of rancid meat fly all over the place.

I love Gir. He amuses me. And he reminds me of me. I could totally see myself screeching “Yay brains!” while zombies take over the world.

Gir. He’s insane AND lovable. Just like me.

So last night I may or may not have had to take a pain pill because the baby decided to do tap swings from my broken hand and I may or may not have been rolling around in tears on the floor “hugging” the baby tightly because that was the safest thing I could think of to do with my hands at that moment.

Have I mentioned that these pills get me high? Woo.

So I was standing outside about an hour after having taken my pill and the next few minutes went something like this.

(my inner monologue)

“Heh. I can herd these tiny bugs around by blowing smoke at them. That’s right bugs! Do as I say! I am your mast– !!!AUGH! SPIDER WEB! Get it off get it off getitoff! What the fuck. What kind of spider builds a web right where I’m going to walk through it? It’s like it doesn’t know me at all! Where is the stupid spider anyway? Oh there he is. He’s kinda creepy. I think I’ll stand over here.

WOW! Look at the moons! Wait. Moons? Why are there two moons?! Are my eyes crossed? No, they’re not. Holy shit! I gotta tell someone that there are two moons! Zeus! Zeus there are two moo!!– Oh. That’s just the reflection in my neighbor’s window. Well that’s not cool at all. Why can’t there be two moons? Someone should build another moon and send it up there to confuse people. That would be funny. Like that War of the Worlds radio broadcast.

Radio stories. It’s like Twitter for old people. Man I like Twitter. I wonder why they use a whale for their logo? Whales don’t tweet, they… Sing? Singing whales. Too bad you can’t turn that into a pun-like name like the Beatles. ♪We all live in a yellow submarine♪ Man they were high. Am I high? My hand doesn’t hurt anymore. Oh ye gods I think I am. I should go inside before I do something stu– AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DAMN IT WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SPIDER WEB IN THE MIDDLE OF MY PORCH?!“

I bet I could pull this insanity thing off a lot better if I were as cute as Gir…