I got nuthin.
31 May 2010 Leave a Comment
It’s Memorial Day and I got nuthin. All the in-laws are over. Yay!
Happy Memorial Day! May you and your family have a fun and safe holiday.
Don't even THINK about touching my cheezburgers.
Never ever ever ever again.
30 May 2010 2 Comments
I had the craziest night last night.
Remind me that I really really really do not want to take those pills right before bed again.
I’m not sure if I ever actually slept, or if my night was full of hallucinations, and yeah, I know that dreams are sort of hallucinations, but not like this.
Okay, so the first part of the night was just filled with slightly weird dreams. Like, my mom was in town for some reason, and then my friend came over and asked if we wanted to ride in a cab with him to work, so we did. So the cab drops us all off in some really scary torn up town-ruins and leaves, and then my friend disappears and my mom and I are stranded. So we’re walking around and now it’s night time and I trip over somebody that I think is my husband so I yell “I’m sorry baby!” and start to make out with him, but it turns out it isn’t my husband, it’s one of my friends from Colorado. He and I weren’t weirded out by that at all and he takes my mom and I to this place that is at some points a really nice church and at others a really nice funeral home. Then my mom remembers that she signed up for this cool service where you send picture messages from your cell phone to this cab company and they’ll come pick you up without you ever having to talk to them, except they never could find us because the stupid building wouldn’t decide what it was!
That was only the first dream. The rest were all like it, but that isn’t the worst part about them. During all these dreams I’d have episodes where I couldn’t breathe. I mean like I was gasping for air, but my lungs just wouldn’t fill up. Eventually I’d wake up and realize that I really couldn’t fucking breathe and I’d spend the next few minutes with my lungs heaving and choking and eventually I’d get more than just trickles of air but pretty much as soon as that happened I’d pass back out and fall into the dreams again.
That was just the first half of the night. This next part, I was having a similarly difficult time with dreamland and real life getting all mixed up. My dreams were just the normal things that you forget, except in all of them my left boob itched more intensely than anything I have ever felt before, excluding the side effect of an epidural. Oh it itched! And in my dreams I’d scratch scratch scratch it only to find myself coming awake suddenly because I was scratching my boob raw and it itched like the holy dickens!! Once again as soon as my physical ailment was taken care of I’d spiral back into sleep to start it all over again.
The last part of the night was just weird dreams, the most memorable being the Bloggess teaching a science class to small children. She was telling them that octopi had 5 legs, and the text books they were using were actually Dr. Seuss books with pictures of all of my favorite bloggers displaying what were – to me – misshapen animals. The Bloggess with a neon pink 5 legged octopus, June Gardens with a normally colored but far too large dog that had hooves instead of feet, Aunt Becky with what looked like a tangled, writhing mass of snakes but was actually just one snake with myriad interconnected heads and bodies that all seemed bent on tearing each other to pieces. I blame the Furry Godmother for that last one. It went on and on… Ugh.
Eventually morning got here and I dragged myself out of sleep and I’m not sure that a night has ever left me feeling quite so shaken. I looked at Zeus and cried “Hug the crazy out of me!” and he gave me a weird look but he hugged me and I felt better. I just know I never ever EVER want to take those pain pills before bed again. I don’t care how much I hurt! Getting high and feeling sick is one thing. Losing my mind is something else altogether.
**UPDATED**
So apparently I spent last night having a bad reaction to my meds, Even more reason for me to quit taking them!
I was the turkey alllllll along!
30 May 2010 1 Comment
So one of my friends recently introduced me to Invader Zim. He quoted some crazy ass thing to me and I was all “Uh, what the fuck, yo?” And he was like “Invader Zim ohmygod blargldey bloogle bleh.” And then he made me watch it.
And it’s funny! Not like, Funniest Home Videos funny, but Ren and Stimpy funny. And the best part of the whole series isn’t the main guy, Zim, but his robot Gir.
Gir does things like sit in a rotting turkey carcass in the background before randomly jumping out and yelling “I was the turkey all along!” while flies and pieces of rancid meat fly all over the place.
I love Gir. He amuses me. And he reminds me of me. I could totally see myself screeching “Yay brains!” while zombies take over the world.
Gir. He’s insane AND lovable. Just like me.
So last night I may or may not have had to take a pain pill because the baby decided to do tap swings from my broken hand and I may or may not have been rolling around in tears on the floor “hugging” the baby tightly because that was the safest thing I could think of to do with my hands at that moment.
Have I mentioned that these pills get me high? Woo.
So I was standing outside about an hour after having taken my pill and the next few minutes went something like this.
(my inner monologue)
“Heh. I can herd these tiny bugs around by blowing smoke at them. That’s right bugs! Do as I say! I am your mast– !!!AUGH! SPIDER WEB! Get it off get it off getitoff! What the fuck. What kind of spider builds a web right where I’m going to walk through it? It’s like it doesn’t know me at all! Where is the stupid spider anyway? Oh there he is. He’s kinda creepy. I think I’ll stand over here.
WOW! Look at the moons! Wait. Moons? Why are there two moons?! Are my eyes crossed? No, they’re not. Holy shit! I gotta tell someone that there are two moons! Zeus! Zeus there are two moo!!– Oh. That’s just the reflection in my neighbor’s window. Well that’s not cool at all. Why can’t there be two moons? Someone should build another moon and send it up there to confuse people. That would be funny. Like that War of the Worlds radio broadcast.
Radio stories. It’s like Twitter for old people. Man I like Twitter. I wonder why they use a whale for their logo? Whales don’t tweet, they… Sing? Singing whales. Too bad you can’t turn that into a pun-like name like the Beatles. ♪We all live in a yellow submarine♪ Man they were high. Am I high? My hand doesn’t hurt anymore. Oh ye gods I think I am. I should go inside before I do something stu– AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DAMN IT WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SPIDER WEB IN THE MIDDLE OF MY PORCH?!“
I bet I could pull this insanity thing off a lot better if I were as cute as Gir…
Zombie Awareness
29 May 2010 2 Comments
I love science. Every new breakthrough, every revision of what they thought they knew just gets me all tingly inside. So when I saw that scientists had created artificial life, I was absolutely giddy. Real artificial (haha) life! And then one of my friends sent me this link:
ONE GIANT STEP CLOSER TO AN ARTIFICIALLY CREATED ZOMBIE PANDEMIC.
It was mere seconds before my illogical self leapt up and smothered my scientific self to death. I mean, if I can convince myself that ventriloquist dummies are trying to eat me, that disembodied hands are going to reach through the toilet and drag me to the sewers if I potty with the lights off, or that vengeful ghosts will kill us if we don’t properly, expeditiously and respectfully entomb their bodies, I see no reason why I shouldn’t immediately jump on the chance to believe in man-made zombies. After all, that’s pretty much how all the books, movies and video games have it happening.
Real live zombies! No pun intended.
I can see it now. A scientist injects a rat with the artificial cells to see what happens. The rat bites the scientist and infects him. The artificial cells, which have been told to do nothing other than replicate themselves begin to do just that. They crowd out or assimilate the cells in the scientist’s body, and he soon becomes a mindless being whose only drives are to eat and reproduce.
Oh wait, he’s already a man. Maybe we should use a female scientist for this theory. (ba dum psh)
Okay, so our FEMALE scientist becomes a mindless being whose only drives are to eat and reproduce. No, she isn’t blond. Or pregnant. Or single! Sheesh you guys.
Ahem. Our married, brunette and not-pregnant female scientist gets hungry and goes after the easiest food she can find – other humans. That is assuming of course, that she keeps no ice cream in the house. Oh I kill myself today! I blame my hand.
So… She goes on a rampage, biting people and spreading the artificial parasite around. Now here is where I am going to differ a little from the norm. Instead of the “zombies” going after the brain for food, it’s the zombie cells themselves that want the brain. They value the brain for it’s neurons and ability to create synapses. They take over the host body until they get to the brain where they then merge with the brain cells and evolve into a NEW life form. Soon after this happens, cell reproduction is kicked into high gear and the zombie eventually becomes a shapeless, quivering mass of electrical goo, remarkably similar to a human brain.
Now the zombie brain begins to realize that it will work better if it can bring all of it’s species together. It emits electrical pulses, calling all the zombies to it that haven’t yet completed the metamorphosis. It begins to work like an ant colony, stationing zombies as sentries for protection, sending others out to find food and using others still to tend to and take care of the main “body”. When a zombie nears the time that it will become immobile and gooey, it rejoins the mother brain, where it will eventually merge with her. The entire world is taken over this way, with all life being consumed by the zombie brain. Earth becomes unrecognizable.
The brain mass then realizes that it has no food source anymore. It puts it’s myriad synapses to work and figures out a way to propel the Earth itself using electrical pulses. It travels to new solar systems and galaxies, consuming all life as it finds it and growing even more. The mega brain is then faced with a new problem. It needs a renewable food source.
The mega brain uses some of it’s zombie soldiers as scientists. With their limbs still intact, they can use tools and experiment, eventually creating a self replicating artificial life form. They colonize a planet with this new life, which soon evolves into something immune to the electricity the mega brain uses to communicate and control and stages a revolt. War ensues, and the cycle begins anew.
Whew. Chilling to think of it that way, isn’t it? Maybe we shouldn’t try to create new life just yet. At least, not until we come up with something better than this to fight off zombies. A giant TV perhaps, to lull the brain into complacency and stagnation? What do you think?
Ow ow ow…
28 May 2010 4 Comments
in I should just flush the toilet now, Like a cat
You know what isn’t fun? Having a broken hand.
I’m not going to take my pain pills anymore, they make me sick sick sick. I’d rather deal with the pain.
Last night I was on the couch trying to recover from my pills and the baby was doing a disco on my hand and swinging from my belly ring. Do you think I could rent him out until I’m healed? Starting bid is 5 bucks! He’s just learned how to clap and is cute cute cute. Just don’t leave cat food where he can reach it.
I have discovered that there is almost no difference between the fog opioids put your brain in and the fog pain puts your brain in. I need a defroster for my head, I think.
I really wish I could take my cast off and bend my pinky and ring finger. They’re tired of being immobile. Do you think they’ll go on strike? What if they fall off? What if I have this stupid cast on so long that my muscles atrophy and my last two fingers become useless?
Okay Firefox, pinky is a word, really. It’s either your littlest finger, or the dead baby mice you feed snakes. I’m not sure if there are other definitions, but I know those two for sure.
I’m sorry, I really don’t have the brain power for a better post right now. I think I’m going to quit before I infect you with my pain induced stupidity. I hear it’s contagious. Like… Like zombie-ism is.
Remind me later that I had a whole post about zombies that I wanted to write before I messed up my hand. Assuming of course that this pain doesn’t make my brain atrophy as well.
